Needing to know the details of your partner's affair to move on

Tammy Nelson, PhD discusses whether it is helpful or hurtful to find out all the details of your partner's infidelity
Relationship Advice | Needing to know the details of your partner's affair to move on
KidsInTheHouse the Ultimate Parenting Resource
Kids in the House Tour

Needing to know the details of your partner's affair to move on

Comment
4
Like
4
Transcription: 
Is it important for me to know everything that happened that in the affair? Does my partner have to come clean in order for me to move on? This is a really important thing, because it might feel like I need to know all the details of what happened in your affair in order for us to survive this and move on. But I want to caution you. When you ask questions about your partner's affair, stop for a moment and think, do I really wan to know the answer to this? Because once you have the answer, it's always in your head. You can never get rid of it. You don't get rid of the picture in your mind once it's there. So be really cautious about the information that you ask for. Is this really the question that you want the answer to? Are you looking for something else? Instead of how many times did you sleep with them, and where did you have sex, is what you're really looking for, were you thinking about me when you were with her? Were you ever wondering what it was like to be with her when you were with me? Did you ever think when you came home that you regretted being with that other person? Think clearly about what the answer is that you're really looking for, because once you have that in your mind, you can't get past it. And it doesn't necessarily mean if you have every piece of information and every detail about the affair that you'll be satisfied. Because frankly, it's almost like a well that you can never get to the bottom of. What you really want to know, the bottom line, is really why. Why did you do this to me? Why did this happen to us? And I can tell you that move from the crisis of the affair into the next phase of recovery when you start referring to the refer as our affair. Why did this affair happen to us instead of your affair. And that will happen.

Tammy Nelson, PhD discusses whether it is helpful or hurtful to find out all the details of your partner's infidelity

Transcript

Expert Bio

More from Expert

Tammy Nelson, PhD

Psychotherapist & Relationship Expert

Tammy Nelson PhD is the author of several books including, “Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together”  (2008) and  “What’s Eating You? A Workbook for Anorexia and Bulimia (2004)” and her latest  book “The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity” (January 2013) is receiving critical acclaim.  She has been a featured expert in New York Times, Washington Post, Self,  Glamour Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, MSNBC,  Shape, Men’s Health, Women’s Health Woman’s Day, Women’s Health, and a source in Time Magazine. She writes for the Huffington Post, YourTango and can be followed on her blog www.drtammynelson.com/blog/.

Tammy Nelson is a Board Certified Sexologist, a Certified Sex Therapist and an Imago Relationship Therapist.  She is an international speaker and a licensed psychotherapist in private practice with over 25 years of experience working with individuals and couples.  She travels and lectures internationally on her quest for global relational change.

More Parenting Videos from Tammy Nelson, PhD >
Enter your email to
download & subscribe
to our newsletter