Why parenting advice never seems to work in the moment

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Why parenting advice never seems to work in the moment

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I don’t think that there’s any other journey like parenthood to push our buttons because our children are so intuitive, they just know which buttons to push. As parents we are well intentioned, but we don’t seem to know what to do in the moment and no amount of books we’ve read or parenting manuals we’re looked at, or therapists we’ve visited, none of the advice seem to stick and the reason it doesn’t stick is because everything is happening with the energetic stance of the relationship; so unless the therapist is right there with you, or the author of the book is right there with you, nothing is going to help. The only way a parent can realign their relationship with their child is if they understand how to energetically shift the relationship. I’m going to give you an example of how I helped one of the parents do this, this mother and father came and their 16 year old was accused of stealing $200 from the mother and the 16 year old was besides himself and said, that’s it they are going to send me away to a hostel, they’re done with me, they just don’t understand. And frankly I don’t understand either, what could be the reason to steal $200, but he later explained, he has been failing his chemistry exams and because his father was pushing him so hard and they have such a dysfunctional relationship, he didn’t want to once more displease his father, so what he did was, he stole his $200 and admitted to it but he said he put it to a tutor so he could up his grade and once again show his father that he’s worthy. Now the parent didn’t know any of this, the parents are being triggered, believed their son is a thief, they immediately enter lack and judgment and we parents think we are psychic so we can foretell, so this parent said, that’s it, my son is this no good loser that he’s going to be a thief, a pathological liar for life unless I show them or show him who’s the boss. But what the parents were missing entirely was that the child was manifesting this unmet need or fearing the displeasure of his parents. Once I showed the parents that this child was screaming for approval, for validation, for sense of value and worth that was intrinsic and no longer extrinsic based on grades or success, then the parents began having a different view and a different understanding and the father then admitted to being so heavy handed because he had fear and anxiety that his son will not be successful.

View Shefali Tsabary, PhD's video on Why parenting advice never seems to work in the moment...

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Expert Bio

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Shefali Tsabary, PhD

Clinical Psychologist & Author

Shefali Tsabary, PhD is the author of the award-winning book, The Conscious Parent. This book has been heralded as a game-changer in the parenting field. Dr. Shefali is an international speaker on conscious parenting and mindful living. She has a private practice in New York.  

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